I swear in front of my kids. I don’t give an f-word.

Controversy Human nature Parenting

There will be many swears.

Hi friends. This post has many swear words! If you have delicate sensibilities LOOK AWAY NOW.

I know this may be a little challenging for some of you. I know many of you will disagree with my stance and jump right on the Mum-shame-train. Go for it!

Right to the fiery pits of hell.

Right to the fiery pits of hell.

My vocabulary is the shit.

It occurred to me the other day that in the house I was brought up in, I didn’t hear anything worse than “bloody” (British parents); and the occasional “Jesus H. Christ!” while my Dad was behind the wheel. I definitely remember being told in no uncertain terms not to say any swear-words at home and that “it was a sign of a poor vocabulary”. Sorry Dad, what silly bollocks! Fair enough, you didn’t want to hear the fucks and shits coming from your innocent children’s mouths, but my vocabulary is actually fucking excellent and I love, I fucking love, a good swear. So. That’s some bullshitty shit.

Thank you Princess Radziwill.

Thank you Princess Radziwill.


One of the most hilarious things that’s ever happened to me was hearing my Dad in his capacity as Coach, address his amateur soccer players at half-time one Sunday. I was about 12. The actual roof lifted slightly from the force of the swears! Please imagine the following in a thick Scottish accent:

“That was the most piss-poor fuckin effort I have ever seen! If you fuckin bunch of dickheads want to get into the finals you better make some fuckin changes” etc etc etc. (He sweared because he cared).

You could have knocked me over with the feather of a hummingbird. I had NEVER heard my Father swear before. Clearly, he was a very proficient profaner. Obviously, he knew his way around an expletive. This was news to me!! I still remember my shock.

What the fucketty fuck?

What the fucketty fuck?

She’s a lady

Needless to say, I realised there’s actually nothing wrong with a bit of colourful language. In fact, sometimes there’s no substitute for the humour, descriptiveness and sheer impact of some well-timed filth words. Also, life can be super fucking annoying. Only these words will do! You all know it. And do not even come at me with “It’s not lady-like”.


That’s some sexist twatwaffle. The idea that you are either a chaste, moral lady or a devious, slatternly whore has been oppressing women for millennia. Piss off. Sorry patriarchy, you don’t get to have all the fun anymore!

Kids are fucking smart

So I let the swears out, pretty much all the time if I’m honest, and because I spend a lot of time with my kids, they hear it. Now look, I’m not necessarily saying that kids should be recklessly dropping indiscriminate c-bombs and shit sacks all over the shop. That is not what I am saying. What I am saying is that using the English language in its full glory and expressing yourself in the most comprehensive way possible is a good thing.

Frankly, children are smart. They’re more than capable of understanding what language is appropriate in which situation and behaving accordingly. My kids know they’re not supposed to say the “square-words” yet, like they know what wine and beer is, but they can’t have that yet either. Furthermore, they’re lovely little chaps.  My children also know they are loved and cherished for exactly who they are, which is much more important than conforming to some standard of acceptable language and behaviour dictated by a spurious moral majority.

The spurious moral majority can kiss it.

The spurious moral majority can kiss it.

Let it all out, people!

So let the glorious fuck words sound throughout the land. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in this life, it’s that feeling shame for what comes naturally is a waste of time! Your kids are wiser than you think. What’s more, you are arming them with a brilliant arsenal (sorry) of words for what’s to come in their lives. Ultimately, the little pishers will thank you for it! The End.